Even when I try to make it work, it doesnt....

I busy my balls off to try to make it right.....Then you go and tell me that several dudes have kissed you and that you want some time to think about it....I'm starting to think that I'm not that high in this particular totem pole....Even if I do love you, it doesn't mean I'm willing to put up with all of this shit...I just cannot do this...I'm thinking about ending this.....cause its obvious that it isn't working, especially when you yell at me for not being into it, and at the same time you go around and cannot seem to make me part of your priority list.....

Rima XI y Mis Pensamientos

XI

—Yo soy ardiente, yo soy morena,

yo soy el símbolo de la pasión,

de ansia de goces mi alma está llena.

¿A mí me buscas?

—No es a ti, no.

—Mi frente es pálida, mis trenzas de oro,

puedo brindarte dichas sin fin.

Yo de ternura guardo un tesoro.

¿A mí me llamas?

—No, no es a ti.

—Yo soy un sueño, un imposible,

vano fantasma de niebla y luz.

Soy incorpórea, soy intangible,

no puedo amarte.

—¡Oh ven, ven tú!

 

de Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer

 

Esa poema es tan bella.  Habla del amor, y como buscamos lo que no podemos tener.  Siempre queremos el fantasma, la mujer o hombre perfecte, quien no existe.  El primer and el segundo verso habla de diferentes mujeres que uno puede encontrar.  Uno de lo sexual y uno de la felicidad.  El ultimo verso describe lo que queremos, pero dice que no existe.  Siempre queremos alguien perfecte, pero Becquer nos dice que no hay esa persona.  A lo mismo tiempo, Becquer admite que le quiere a la mujer fantasma tambien.  Es posible que Becquer escribe este poema como el resulto de su relacion con su esposa, quien no le amaba.  Como resultado de estar casado con una mujer quien no se amaba, el escribia sus sentimentos.

 

Este poema me encanta.  Becquer captura un sentimiento casi universal, y lo pone en un forma simple en menos de vente lineas.  A veces me siento lo mismo, que la mujer que quiero no existe.  Pero, no he perdido la esperanza en que puedo encontrar una mujer, no perfecte, pero con quien soy contento y feliz. 

I did it again....

Welp, single again due to well, a variety of reasons.  I just keep fucking up apparently...why can't I do anything right..Its almost 2 in the morning....I can't sleep, feel like shit, keep alternating between anger and sadness.  The worst part is that I know i probably could have done something about it...but nope, I decided to just let my life get fucked up again....I am starting to really wonder if it is worth trying to maintain a relationship with someone or if I should just stay single.  Doesn't seem to be working out too well so far.  Two of the exes won't even talk to me anymore, and I the latest one can't seem to look me in the eye...Damnit....I think that maybe I just need to take a deep breath and relax.  I'm alive, I have good friends, and I can always try dating again.  Being melodramatic won't solve anything.  Sometimes the solution is just as simple as writing down what I'm feeling and then gaining perspective on it.  Holding it in doesn't do anything, I have to vent.  Now the only thing left is to just get some sleep and get through tommorrow. Then I'm on the way to North Carolina to see the family and get some R&R.

It Still Hurts....

So I had another phone die on me, this is starting to get annoying.  Fortunately I had an old phone that I could use in order to let people be able to stay in contact with me.  Unfortunately it still had some old messages and photos on it....things I thought long gone and now that they have been dredged up, old wounds have been reopened.  This is seriously shit....It has been over a year since the breakup, and I am in another relationship with someone I care about.  But even that isn't able to make me forget, and even more importantly, not enough to make it stop hurting.  I am torn.....It feels like I should be over it, and should just forget....but at the same time....I kinda want her back.  I feel stupid for saying it.....She ripped me into pieces when she left, and many a time I have said that I don't care if she were to come back or whatever....But I have no idea what  I would do if I were to see her.....Probably somewhere along the lines of falling to my knees in shock and just stand there dumbfounded.  Possibly with some tears, harsh words, and mayhaps some apologizing....Maybe I'll never know.....but I kinda want to....

Eating my words...

Turns out I was totally, completely wrong.  I was not being used, she was just unsure of what she wanted and now we are oficially bf/gf.  Not exactly sure how its gonna work, but that's part of the charm I guess.  I don't know if its just me, but I always get nervous when I start dating someone, partially just because I'm not sure what boundaries there are and what they expect, and partially because of a bad track record that makes me wonder if this one will end up like all the others (all 2 of em).  But i seriously think that is just my paranoia acting up, like he tends to do.  Maybe I should go find him a cookie to nom on.

FML

So just when I think things are looking up, it turns out they really aren't....The person that I thought I was dating, and had even used that word several times recently told me we were just "friends with benefits" and that she wasn't ready for a serious relationship...Well that would have been nice to know....AWHILE back.....I didn't want to be a fuckbuddy....Fucking hell, seems like I can't do anything right sometimes.....And now I do not know what to do.....I feel kinda used, misguided, and a little hurt, but I'm not sure if I can tell them that.....I honestly think that they might not have known what they were doing to me, but the little cynical bastard in my head is jumping up and down, blowing a horn, and shouting that the bitch knew it all along and that I should have known better....SO FUCKING ANGRY/SAD/CONFUSED......

Home Sweet Hell

Just got back to North Carolina, an 8 hour drive by the way that was awful because of the idiots that drive at this time of year.  I already want to go back to Valdosta.....I miss the people there and the absolute chillness that winter break has brought me.  I know that when I'm up here, they will want me to be perfect and be the son that they always wanted me to be, with a big plan to get a big job somewhere.  But now, I don't know if I have it in me to be a somebody.  I honestly wonder if I'd be perfectly happy just doing something mediocre that I enjoy, rather than putting myself through  the paces in a subject that is just ok.  I really want to try to be a cook, but hell will freeze over ten times before my parents find out...I don't have that much talent at cooking, but I want to learn and enjoy doing it.....oh well, its not that important.  In today's economy I need money more than happiness...FML