Apathy

Why am I just not caring about jack-diddly-squat?  I am possibly failing one class and not really caring about the others.  I am pushing friends away by being an ass, and I keep trying to dodge out on pre-arranged events.  And the messed up part is that I cannot figure out why.....  Meh, maybe its something stupid and obvious and I'm just not looking hard enough to figure it out....  Actually, I might have a good idea why, but i cannot possibly solve it, because any solution would end up hurtin geither myself or someone that I actually do care about....Fuck it....Fuck it all.....This is stupid, I shouldn't be feeling like this, I should be able to get on and do the right thing.  Definitely should just get my heart ripped out....I would not have as many problems...

To go back....and questions

If I could, I would go back to highschool and prevent my phobia of being near people and/or touched by people from being mostly cured.  Part of the reason I had it was because I knew that if I let people get close to me, I would end up getting hurt, and so far it has proven to be extremely accurate.  I am not sure if it was worth it to let my guard down and let the person who actually made me able to be approached and touched make me touchable.  It has lead to me becoming clingy and unwilling to let go of stupid things, and wishing that I could be close to someone all the time.  I want comfort, I want to be held and be cared for.....These things were not an issue until my guard dropped, now I feel like I should almost revert back to be touchaphobic and just make myself a social hermit.  I'll go out, but I won't touch or be touched.  It certainly would make some things much easier, but I do not know if I can go back to that.  Guess I have to find some way to deal with this........Wish I could figure out how I fucked up....What did I do wrong?  What changed?  Was it you changing your mind?  Did your issues with your gender cause you to rethink being a girl and therefore my girlfriend?  Was I jsut not man enough?  Do you still care, or am I an unwelcome stain in your memories?  I miss you and your comfort, and find myself desperately trying to find someone to care about and who cares about me.  I haven't fallen to the level of sleeping with anyone/anything, but sometimes I wonder if it would help to be a manwhore for awhile and just let my body be used by anyone who wants it.  Damn, that was emo......

Mod Gone Mad

I have been participating on and off in an advanced game of tag called Humans versus Zombies on and off for about a year.  It has gone through many changes, and usually ended up even more fun for everyone involved.  Recently, a new mod has been elected and is starting to make rules that simply ruin the game.....Ar first it was only one or two small things, and they weren't bad, the introduction of a superzombie and medic zombie.  He also limited the number of melee weapons people could hold and how many were to be allowed on a team, which made sense, since someone using two swords was very hard to tag out, even with a swarm.  But then he started to make some really annoying and simply bad rules.  Melee weapons now take two hits to kill a zombie, and you cannot jab them.  This leaves you at trying to swing a weapon at two or three zombies and hit them twice before they touch you once......Then he wanted to make a format that made it insanely harder by adding more than one superzombie and making melee taking up to three hits to kill one zombie.....MELEE IS NOT THE PROBLEM!  The games have been proceeding fine, and most people have stopped on the melee craze....I do not know if I can go back to ever playing HvZ.  It seriously pisses me off that one man can seriously ruin a game that has been so much fun....I am almost glad to hear that the game is getting shut down....But I will miss playing in what I will probably call the glory days of HvZ.

Similar Wave-Lengths

I have this interesting connection musically to a good friend of mine.  It is scary how similar our tastes our.  I mean, it seems like any band that I thought only about 10 people know about, she knows as well.  She first noticed this when she had a pandora station up, and I kept singing along to all the songs that came up.  This has been staying true for awhile now, and its just crazy how similar our tastes our.  Our brains are wired up to appreciate the same type and styles of music.  We also have some similar personalities traits.  You ever find someone that you seem to be in tune with?  I had a good friend in high-school that also had my same attitude and more or less likes that I did.  Some people I can just click with on a greater than normal level.  Not just friends, more close than that (not a relationship like that, but just a closer than normal feeling/bonding).