Eating my words...

Turns out I was totally, completely wrong.  I was not being used, she was just unsure of what she wanted and now we are oficially bf/gf.  Not exactly sure how its gonna work, but that's part of the charm I guess.  I don't know if its just me, but I always get nervous when I start dating someone, partially just because I'm not sure what boundaries there are and what they expect, and partially because of a bad track record that makes me wonder if this one will end up like all the others (all 2 of em).  But i seriously think that is just my paranoia acting up, like he tends to do.  Maybe I should go find him a cookie to nom on.

FML

So just when I think things are looking up, it turns out they really aren't....The person that I thought I was dating, and had even used that word several times recently told me we were just "friends with benefits" and that she wasn't ready for a serious relationship...Well that would have been nice to know....AWHILE back.....I didn't want to be a fuckbuddy....Fucking hell, seems like I can't do anything right sometimes.....And now I do not know what to do.....I feel kinda used, misguided, and a little hurt, but I'm not sure if I can tell them that.....I honestly think that they might not have known what they were doing to me, but the little cynical bastard in my head is jumping up and down, blowing a horn, and shouting that the bitch knew it all along and that I should have known better....SO FUCKING ANGRY/SAD/CONFUSED......

Home Sweet Hell

Just got back to North Carolina, an 8 hour drive by the way that was awful because of the idiots that drive at this time of year.  I already want to go back to Valdosta.....I miss the people there and the absolute chillness that winter break has brought me.  I know that when I'm up here, they will want me to be perfect and be the son that they always wanted me to be, with a big plan to get a big job somewhere.  But now, I don't know if I have it in me to be a somebody.  I honestly wonder if I'd be perfectly happy just doing something mediocre that I enjoy, rather than putting myself through  the paces in a subject that is just ok.  I really want to try to be a cook, but hell will freeze over ten times before my parents find out...I don't have that much talent at cooking, but I want to learn and enjoy doing it.....oh well, its not that important.  In today's economy I need money more than happiness...FML

Apathy

Why am I just not caring about jack-diddly-squat?  I am possibly failing one class and not really caring about the others.  I am pushing friends away by being an ass, and I keep trying to dodge out on pre-arranged events.  And the messed up part is that I cannot figure out why.....  Meh, maybe its something stupid and obvious and I'm just not looking hard enough to figure it out....  Actually, I might have a good idea why, but i cannot possibly solve it, because any solution would end up hurtin geither myself or someone that I actually do care about....Fuck it....Fuck it all.....This is stupid, I shouldn't be feeling like this, I should be able to get on and do the right thing.  Definitely should just get my heart ripped out....I would not have as many problems...

To go back....and questions

If I could, I would go back to highschool and prevent my phobia of being near people and/or touched by people from being mostly cured.  Part of the reason I had it was because I knew that if I let people get close to me, I would end up getting hurt, and so far it has proven to be extremely accurate.  I am not sure if it was worth it to let my guard down and let the person who actually made me able to be approached and touched make me touchable.  It has lead to me becoming clingy and unwilling to let go of stupid things, and wishing that I could be close to someone all the time.  I want comfort, I want to be held and be cared for.....These things were not an issue until my guard dropped, now I feel like I should almost revert back to be touchaphobic and just make myself a social hermit.  I'll go out, but I won't touch or be touched.  It certainly would make some things much easier, but I do not know if I can go back to that.  Guess I have to find some way to deal with this........Wish I could figure out how I fucked up....What did I do wrong?  What changed?  Was it you changing your mind?  Did your issues with your gender cause you to rethink being a girl and therefore my girlfriend?  Was I jsut not man enough?  Do you still care, or am I an unwelcome stain in your memories?  I miss you and your comfort, and find myself desperately trying to find someone to care about and who cares about me.  I haven't fallen to the level of sleeping with anyone/anything, but sometimes I wonder if it would help to be a manwhore for awhile and just let my body be used by anyone who wants it.  Damn, that was emo......

Mod Gone Mad

I have been participating on and off in an advanced game of tag called Humans versus Zombies on and off for about a year.  It has gone through many changes, and usually ended up even more fun for everyone involved.  Recently, a new mod has been elected and is starting to make rules that simply ruin the game.....Ar first it was only one or two small things, and they weren't bad, the introduction of a superzombie and medic zombie.  He also limited the number of melee weapons people could hold and how many were to be allowed on a team, which made sense, since someone using two swords was very hard to tag out, even with a swarm.  But then he started to make some really annoying and simply bad rules.  Melee weapons now take two hits to kill a zombie, and you cannot jab them.  This leaves you at trying to swing a weapon at two or three zombies and hit them twice before they touch you once......Then he wanted to make a format that made it insanely harder by adding more than one superzombie and making melee taking up to three hits to kill one zombie.....MELEE IS NOT THE PROBLEM!  The games have been proceeding fine, and most people have stopped on the melee craze....I do not know if I can go back to ever playing HvZ.  It seriously pisses me off that one man can seriously ruin a game that has been so much fun....I am almost glad to hear that the game is getting shut down....But I will miss playing in what I will probably call the glory days of HvZ.

Similar Wave-Lengths

I have this interesting connection musically to a good friend of mine.  It is scary how similar our tastes our.  I mean, it seems like any band that I thought only about 10 people know about, she knows as well.  She first noticed this when she had a pandora station up, and I kept singing along to all the songs that came up.  This has been staying true for awhile now, and its just crazy how similar our tastes our.  Our brains are wired up to appreciate the same type and styles of music.  We also have some similar personalities traits.  You ever find someone that you seem to be in tune with?  I had a good friend in high-school that also had my same attitude and more or less likes that I did.  Some people I can just click with on a greater than normal level.  Not just friends, more close than that (not a relationship like that, but just a closer than normal feeling/bonding).

Anger Issues

I have them.  Generally people don't get to see it, but lately my temper has been frayed.  Probably it is caused by a lack of sleep and perhaps even this stupid perpetual cold I can't seem to shake.  Nevertheless, I have been feeling like curbstomping several people's faces recently, and not all of it is unwarranted.  If I have my headphones on and you decide it is a good idea to continually poke and prod me after I have already said to leave me alone, then don't get all offended when I snap on you and start cursing.  If I am trying to enjoy some time on the internet, don't get angry at me when you decide it might be fun to fuck with my computer and randomly open stupid websites on it.  No...I don't care about that funny video you think is so great....No, I do not care about that webcomic that you constantly fangasm over.  I am an asshole, I know this.  It should not surprise anyone who knows me that I am such an ass when I get annoyed.  When I look like I want to be left alone, leave me as such, unless you are one of my close friends who actually knows me and I want to talk to.  Otherwise, I may just go decide to listen to that little pompadoured, leather-jacket wearing devil on my shoulder and proceed to tear you a new one.   No joke.  He really has a pompadour.

What a way to start out....

So after reading what a friend of mine has put on their blog, I decided that I liked the idea of having some place where I could dump my thoughts and perhaps stop these ideas from floating around in my head.  I try my hardest to ignore them, but they keep freaking popping up.  They person who inspired me recently posted something that made me realize how much they had really cared for some person, so much it mirrored my own thoughts about someone else.  We both had issues with the people in question and probably have not heard so much as a "Boo" from them in ages.  Yet for some reason unbeknownst to me, my head is keeping these thoughts circling and haunting me.  At times I am completely and utterly over them, but at other times I just break down and think about them.  As my friend said, I gave a huge chunk of my life to them, and now there is a hole where that used to be.  The hole is filling, though.  Slowly, but surely I am filling in the missing pieces and stating to put myself back together.  It is almost like a puzzle that every so often the pieces change shape and you have to rearrange one or two in order to get them to fit again.  Just reading the blog post of my friend made me hope that they too can get this resolution and maybe start to put themselves back together.  Anyways, I think this is good for a first post, and here's to more to come (hopefully not as meh and more about stupid things).